i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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