i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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