Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Just puked most of my soul out..
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
