dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
