When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
