in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
