If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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