You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
