Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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