WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
