Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
