Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
