I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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