She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
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