i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
