well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
The beer is more important than you right now.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
