I'm sorry my penis didn't work
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
