im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
The Olympian is in my bed
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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