I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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