I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Randomize
