She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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