If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
