let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Randomize
