He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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