I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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