I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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