Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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