So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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