Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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