Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
