I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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