I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
