Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
