The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
