1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
