SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
