I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Life without a bra equals bliss.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
