so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
