I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
