remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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