My boss' voice literally gives me gas
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
