Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
