You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
