i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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