Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
