It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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