I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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