My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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