what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
