someone threw a dead crab at me
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Randomize
